The last time I played a full set of my own music was over six months ago, back in October at the Green Note in Camden. It was a really fun night, I enjoyed it and felt like we (my band and I) played well. We got a lot of great feedback, people asking us if we were planning on touring, I sold some CDs… but it didn’t matter. My mind had already begun questioning, doubting even, what I was doing months before, and no amount of compliments and congratulations could change the fact that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this anymore.
It’s not the making music part that I struggle with. I mean, that stuff is hard work, but I love it. Along with so many other indie musicians, the parts of music-making I struggle with are the parts that have almost nothing to do with music and creativity at all. The promotion. The marketing. The constant pressure to share on Instagram, on TikTok. The worrying about getting enough people to come to your gigs. The worrying about not having enough followers, likes, streams, playlists, attention. After a few releases, I was finding it harder and harder to get started with the whole process, knowing what was coming. I just wasn’t feeling inspired to write songs, play gigs, or share my music anymore.
One thing that always gives me a boost, though, is getting together with my friends and collaborators, and singing and playing together. Next month I’ll be playing a set at Black Deer Festival, alongside my friend George and my boyfriend Adrien. We’ve been performing as a trio a lot over the last couple of years, but this will be the first time we do a collaborative set, where we take turns taking the lead, with the other two acting as the band. Think Bonny Light Horseman or I’m With Her - that’s the kind of vibe we’re going for, I think.
I’m trying not to minimise this achievement, something I’ve realised I do a lot. We’re playing at the almost funny time of 9.30 am on Sunday. Part of me wants to take this as an insult. Could there be a worse time to be on stage at a festival? Who’s going to even be awake to watch us? Then again, we’re the only stage with acts performing at that hour, so anyone who does want to see some live music won’t have any other options… And ours is the coffee tent. So maybe this isn’t such a bad slot after all..?
Plus, and most importantly, there’s something so magical about playing with these two. They’re two of the most talented musicians I know, for starters, so I feel pretty lucky I get to work with them. But they’re also two of the kindest, most fun and chilled out (unlike me hahaha) humans ever. Every time we get together, whether playing through old tunes, trying out a well-known song or working on something new, it’s always so special and I can’t help but feel a little of my old love for making music come sneaking back in.
I don’t know what’s next for me, to be honest. I don’t know if the urge to make music will return or if it’s gone for good. I suspect at some point it will return, but I don’t know if I’ll ever make a successful career from my own music. Maybe that doesn’t matter. All I know is I’m excited to have the chance to play some of my songs and some of the incredible songs written by these two wonderful humans on stage at a great festival, with legendary headliners like Sheryl Crow (!). That’s pretty cool, right?